This is not a love note.

Dear brainless Berkley students who woke us up by driving into our parking lot and playing your fight song with extremely loud trumpets four different times between the hours of 2 am and 4 am two nights ago:

Look, we all get it. College rivalries are great. We are playing you in football on Saturday, and for some reason your pea sized intellects have deduced that this warrants you driving all the way across the bay to ruin the sleep of hundreds of graduate students, their spouses, and their children multiple times in the middle of a school/work week with your 8th grade trumpets.

Congratulations, we all know you play the trumpet, and that you can drive quickly in and out of our parking lot. You’ve come a long way, I’m sure.

However, if you had paused and thought it out (a process of which I am seriously doubting your capability), you would have realized that you decided to used your trumpets in GRADUATE HOUSING. Which means, of all the students on campus that you chose to rudely awaken over and over in the middle of the night, ABOUT HALF OF THESE PEOPLE WENT TO BERKLEY FOR UNDERGRAD. Next time, I recommend you read a campus map. The numbers and letters all come together to point you in a crystal clear direction to the undergrad housing, where the little 18 year-olds are no doubt still up until 4:00 am, and would be delighted to kick your sorry behinds.

In the meantime, I hope you’ve been caught by campus police, that you’ve been fined, that your punishment also consists of cleaning my bathroom with your toothbrush, and that next time you’ll actually, you know… read a map.

Your truly,

Disgruntled sleepless cranky face girl

PS I hope we beat you on Saturday.

You know you're not sleeping at night when...

1) Every morning around 3:30 am, you realize, "Hey. I'm awake. And I've been awake for a while. How did that happen?"

2) You keep a flashlight, book, and your reading glasses on the bedside table in case said event occurs.

3) Any time you sit on your sofa around the hour of 7 pm, thirty minutes later you're asleep. And when lying in bed after waking up on said couch, it takes a good hour to fall asleep again.

4) You can't remember the last time you slept through the night. Or at least, you can't remember what it felt like.

5) You stooped to searching in your husband's medicine bag for Nyquil.

6) You ask yourself, "So, what would it take to get a prescription for Ambien?"

7) You find yourself getting emotional when watching "Lost."

8) You find yourself getting emotional when trying to pick between 2 temp jobs that take place during the same week.

9) You find yourself trying not to get emotional on the phone with the lady at the temp agency.

10) You consider doing the unthinkable, and actually drinking warm milk, straight up, to make you sleepy at night. I mean, you read it in a book once. It could be legit. And you're desperate.