Now that it's been about eight hours since I realized you made off with my belongings without being able to claim ANY ownership over them, I've considerably mellowed out from this morning's state-- a state which, to be honest (which you my friend are NOT), consisted of fragile composure and a long and bountiful string of screeching expletives and almost-expletives in my mind and steam emitting from my ears.
I think I went through the Kübler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief today at learning what you'd done.
Denial as I frantically looked everywhere for my purse including places I hadn't even set foot the whole time I'd been there.
Anger as my mind engaged in aforementioned expletive stream.
Bargaining as I hoped you weren't really the culprit in the mysterious disappearance of my purse and that I had actually left it in my sister's car who was at work at the time.
Depression when, obviously and sadly, it wasn't in her car.
Acceptance when... I realized that on top of stealing my purse/wallet/CD/jump drive/keys/other valuables, you had also broken into my next door neighbor's car. The sad and pathetic truth came to light. You really did it-- and after I'd given you the benefit of the doubt.
Incidentally, you've also stolen my Mom's scriptures. Her BIBLE.
Oh the irony. It's so thick in here I could cut it with a spork.
I mean, if realizing you've stolen THAT doesn't fill you with amaranthine and staggering guilt, then you might in fact not be a person at all. You may in fact be some other creature that's incapable of feeling remorse. You may in fact be a cat.
Here's the point.
I'm really REALLY disappointed in you. 90% of the things you stole won't do you any good. The keys don't go to anything you can find or use. The bank cards have been frozen. The only thing you can REALLY use is the $50 card to Bed Bath and Beyond and the $6 I had in cash. And, Cretin, you didn't need to violate the law to get $6. It's called working. For less than an hour at minimum wage, at that. As for the gift card (which was, by the way, a wedding present)... are you the type of person/cat who shops at Bed Bath and Beyond? If you are, hey, I recommend the Pyrex tupperware set. It might help you preserve what shred of dignity you think you have left in life.
Ultimately, it's up to me to get over it and move on. I can replace almost all the things you stole. Maybe you were facing a desperate situation and felt like you had no choice. Maybe that $6 and gift card saved you from some unthinkable fate. That $6 may have been the difference between life and death. In a way, I hope it was.
Happy New Year, Cretin.
9 comments:
JERK! Ugh, that is just the worst. At least you still have that gorgeous ring on your finger. Annnnd maybe that bible will soften his heart and your purse will be anonymously returned in the night. You just never know about these things.
Sarah, only you can write something like that. I was giggling and even more roped in than I was at the start. Like, I want to hire some thugs with mozerella on their breath (what what fresh prince!) to chew that son of a motherless goat up and spit him out in the bottom of the recycling bins, make them sit out in the back yard for a week, swatted at by an alley cat, and then collected next monday by the garbage man. Never to be heard from again. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I love you, and hope my 2 jackets make it a bit better this week.
And that traffic wasn't malo en route to Las Begas.
A kiss, m'lamb.
And that picture at the bottom was the bomb diggety, yo.
that stinks babe! I'm so sorry!
I got my purse stolen last year on Christmas Eve. You don't even want to know the message I left on my phone in the hopes that they would listen to it.
They stole over 2000 dollars of my stuff. I'm glad yours wasn't as fruitful for them. Stupid thieves.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope they die (or go to hell).
(And apparently your sister is friends with some of my friends in Southern California. One is throwing her bridal shower (I found that out on facebook). Quite random.)
you were one of them? The IPD left an automated message informing us of "incidents". I never thought one of those would have been you. :(
boo to thieves. Although I did accidentally steal some tomato basil goat cheese from my local grocery store. Don't you worry, I went back and paid once I realized my thievery. I pine for you.
Awful! I'm so sorry. But also a little glad that the unfortunate event led to such an entertaining blog post. =P
love u, hate thieves:(
1)my purse was stole out of my hotel room new years eve in 2001, the cat came in while we were getting ice, the door just a crack/a jar/ a smidge open. i hated the fact i let that darn cat steal my stuff so easypeasy. (also i had just received a palm right when they came out and thought i was super cool-bam gone with the wind)
2)my cell phone was stolen at work by a black cat from behind the register area whilst i showed his black cat girlfirend the only thing in her large sized arse in the store, a shift dress. i was very nice. she smelled of poo. i found out my call was missing about 5 mins after the cats left and called my phone only to have it answered by said black cat. booooooooo. i am jaded now.
But like you said it is only just stuff. we will all live. life will go on. i heart u and harry:)
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